Nirmala
(Adapted from a talk given in Boulder, CO on January 19,1999)
The important thing to remember is that this is just a story and that nothing I’m going to say now is at all necessary or relevant to knowing the truth of who you are. There are a few exceptions to that, which I’ll point out along the way.
About two years ago, I was busy attending naturopathic medical school and I thought happily married. And then out of the blue, my wife told me she was leaving me for another man. The intensity of feelings that surfaced was amazing. I was aware of feeling equal and opposite feelings: intense feelings of both grief over the loss and relief from being released from the struggle of making a relationship work. Amidst overwhelming, paralyzing fear was intense excitement over the new possibilities created by the space that had opened up in my life.
Upon reflection, I realized that this had always been the case, that in every experience in my life I have always had equal and opposite feelings. That is just the nature of feelings; they are always present in opposite pairs. For instance, with naturopathic medical school, I was both enjoying and resisting every minute of it. The problem was that, in the days and weeks after my wife left me, these opposing feelings were so intense. I felt like I wasn’t a big enough container for that much fear and that much excitement, that much sadness and that much relief. It felt like being torn apart or stretched, and I couldn’t contain all the disparate emotions.
Then, by luck or by grace, I heard about a thing called the Sedona Method, which is a technique for releasing emotions or, alternatively, for just allowing them to be there. It is based on the idea that there is no need to repress emotions or express them—you just let them be, or just let them go. It was obviously so appropriate for me that I called up Hale Dwoskin of the Sedona Institute and ordered the tapes that taught the method. I had a week off and just sat down and went through the tapes.
The Sedona Method starts off with letting go of all the uncomfortable emotions. Then what is revealed are the more positive emotions, which it also suggests you let go of. One day I was practicing this technique and I had a moment when I followed it all the way—I let go of everything, all the painful emotions as well as all the peace, happiness, and joy. I let it all go, and what remained was this incredible Silence that I’d never experienced before. It happened when I was out for a walk, and suddenly I was so present to everything—the trees, the sidewalk, and the sky. I was so moved by this experience of Silence that I immediately went home and called Hale and asked him if I could come to an advanced training, even though I was just a beginner. He said, "Sure, come on." I signed up thinking I’d get more of this wonderful technique, which I saw as a profound form of stress relief.
What I didn’t know at the time was that the Sedona Method had been developed by a man named Lester Levinson as a tool for awakening to one’s true nature as limitless Freedom, and there was a whole community of people who had spent ten, fifteen, and even twenty years using this method in the effort to become awakened, or truly free. Finally, one of them (other than Lester, who had died a few years earlier) had "made it." Her name was Pamela Wilson, and she was co-teaching the advanced Sedona Method course. When I showed up at the course, I saw a room full of forty or so people, all desperate to awaken. At first I was resistant, but I had to admit there was something about Pamela that was undeniably attractive. She had a presence of pure happiness and a literal sense of freedom.
It also happened that Pamela had made arrangements for a spiritual teacher named Neelam to come to town to give satsang. At the time I didn’t even know what "satsang" meant. Every day we practiced the Sedona Method and every night we went to satsang with Neelam. The undeniable sense of freedom that I had felt in Pamela was even more present in Neelam. Even though my mind couldn’t grasp it, I couldn’t forget about it. However, I looked around the room at everyone who had come and saw them really suffering over this desire for awakening. It was almost palpable; they wanted it so badly. As a result, I found myself holding back: I wanted to be like Pamela and Neelam, but I definitely didn’t want to be like everybody else. It felt safer just to pretend that I didn’t want it.
In one of the classes, Hale presented a chart of "wants," and the last want, the most fundamental desire, was the desire for Freedom. He spoke about this desire for Freedom as the desire that burns away all the others, which, paradoxically, you also must let go of. That night, in my room all alone, I had this great idea—why not take a short cut and just let go of the desire for Freedom first? But a troubling doubt appeared: "What if I’m fooling myself? This short cut could be like cheating. I’d better ask Hale about it tomorrow." But then I remembered that Hale rarely answers questions; he just does the Sedona Method until you get the answer from within. So, I figured I must already know the answer, and I just got very quiet and asked inside, "Can I use this shortcut to become free?" The answer that came was: "It’s not up to you. There is nothing you can do to become free." At that moment I knew this was true beyond a shadow of a doubt—there was absolutely nothing that "I" could do about it. It was simply not up to me.
The fact that I couldn’t do anything about it was a devastating realization because, in that same moment, I also realized that I wanted Freedom more than I had ever wanted anything in my life—even more than life itself. At that point, I burst into tears—not just sobbing, but wailing for hours. It felt like surgery was going on in my chest, like it had been ripped open. And yet after being in the presence of Pamela and Neelam, I just couldn’t let it go. This is one of those important elements to the story: once I had admitted I wanted Freedom more than anything else, even though I absolutely knew I could do nothing about it, there was no turning back to my old life.
A few weeks later I was at a satsang retreat with Neelam, and at one point she moved into the center of my heart. I suddenly knew that whatever it took, I was going to be with Neelam. She was a master at bypassing my mind. I would formulate these nice, neat questions, and she would lovingly pop them like a balloon. There’s no way I could get around her, through her, or past her with my mind.
So, I quit medical school and gave my share in our house to my wife. These are the irrelevant parts, by the way. You don’t need to have a spouse leave you. You don’t have to give away your house, drop out of school, or quit your job. But I did all of that to follow Neelam through Europe and on to India. I had never had a strong desire to go to India, with all of its poverty, disease, and other challenges; and I had even less of a desire now that I was going. It had nothing to do with India; that was just where Neelam was going to be.
The next relevant point in this story came during a satsang in England, on the way to India. I can’t remember exactly what Neelam said, but in that same way that I had known there was nothing I could do to get Freedom, I also knew that there was nothing that I had to fix about myself first in order to become Free. There was truly nothing that I had to change or improve. Trying to fix myself, make myself perfect, had been a lifelong task and a huge burden because it had become obvious that it was hopeless. I had participated in endless workshops, trainings, and self-improvement techniques—even the Sedona Method. They were all attempts to become better. Finally, from what Neelam said, I got it that none of that was necessary. So, not only was there nothing I could do to become Free, but fortunately neither was there anything I had to do to become Free.
The story could stop here because from that point I just got happier and happier. Even awakening and Freedom no longer mattered. I was perfectly happy the way things were. For example, I used to run the sound equipment for Neelam, and one day, fifteen minutes into satsang the whole system stopped working. I was pushing buttons and turning knobs, and it just wouldn’t work. Meanwhile, I was just getting happier and happier—"It’s wonderful, the system’s not working!" It’s just that it really didn’t matter anymore—even this whole notion of awakening or Freedom. I was ready to spend the rest of my life going to satsang with Neelam, running the sound equipment. This was the letting go of even the desire for Freedom that Hale had spoken about.
Eventually, we went on to India and ended up in Rishikesh at an ashram called Phool Chatti in the jungle on the banks of the Ganges. There we spent our days in satsang with Neelam and our nights singing devotional songs. Whenever I wasn’t in satsang, I sat by the river, especially late at night after everyone had gone to sleep. I would sit about ten feet from the edge of the Ganges along this stretch of ten-foot tall rapids. The river was an incredible roaring presence of rushing white water.
One night as I was sitting there under the full moon, I recognized that the rock that I was leaning on was me—"Oh, yeah, this is me; this rock is inside of me." Once I realized that about that rock, I saw the same was true of all the rocks in the huge field of boulders along the river’s edge. Then since the rocks were so obviously "me," the river was obviously "me" too, not just this stretch of the river but the entire Ganges from one end of India to the other. Very quickly, I saw that not just the river but the whole continent was "me." It struck me as obvious that it was all inside "me"—and then it was the whole world, and the whole solar system, the entire galaxy and universe. This kept going until the mind could not keep up. There was no longer any possibility of my mind containing all of this endless space, and yet it was all "me" in the same way that one of my limbs was "me."
Then there was a wonderful moment when "me" included not only infinity in terms of space but "popped" to include all time. It was obviously who I had always been, and it included all the past and all the future. Then I laughed and laughed and rolled around in the gravel because it was suddenly so silly that I had imagined myself to have suffered. I had always been so free that I was even free to have this illusion of not being free. That’s how complete the freedom is. So I just laughed and laughed.
I sometimes call this experience a non-awakening because what I realized in that moment is that all there is and ever has been is Awakeness. There’s no need for awakening in Awakeness itself. All of life is just the play of this that has always been fully awake.
I would like to emphasize again that the specifics of this experience are not important. This Awakeness/Consciousness does not even make a snowflake the same way twice, so it is reasonable to assume that it would not have an awakening experience the same way twice. What’s important is the transformation of perspective that can result from this experience, and this shift in perspective (to knowing that you already are free) does not depend on having any particular experience.
Since that time, there has been a simple desire to share the perspective of Freedom. I began doing this in informal conversations with friends and then through giving satsang after being invited to. This story ends with an example of a short talk given in a recent satsang:
(Santa Cruz, 8/18/99:)
The Buddha spoke about desire. He said that desire is the cause of all suffering—the root of all suffering. Desire is a very juicy word. It’s got to be if has that much power that it can cause all of the suffering in the world. He didn’t say most of the suffering or a lot of the suffering but all of it. Every single contraction of being is caused simply by desire. It’s a very powerful force. So, it’s worth looking into this thing that is responsible for all of the suffering you have ever experienced.
One very obvious thing about desire that gets overlooked is that every desire is a lie. Every desire is based on the idea that things can be different than they are, and that’s just never been true. Things have never been different than they are in that moment. You can even see how this lie might come to be because things almost always are different than they were, but they just are never different than they are. They are always the way they are. So, in observing this, we start to think we can take this constantly changing "way things are" and decide how it’s going to be next. That’s also based on a lie. Just look in your own experience. How often has it worked? How often have things turned out exactly the way you wanted them to be? Unfortunately, every now and then it happens, so we get hooked—like with a slot machine. Every now and then we get what we desired. But it’s a matter of random luck. If you desire enough things, every now and then you’re going to get it right.
When people see this lie, they tend to accept the way things are. It’s funny, though, acceptance often has the quality of defeat or resignation: I’ll accept what is, but I don’t have to like it! So, I invite you to consider another possibility. It’s a strange possibility, but it’s actually very wonderful in its results. And that is to actually desire what is: meet what is with that same passion that you may have had for what could be or what you think should be happening. Meet what is with that kind of passion, with that force that is able to generate all the suffering in the world. Bring that force to bear on what is—on the truth instead of on a lie.
There’s another word for this: gratitude. It’s different than acceptance. Acceptance is somehow lifeless; it lacks passion or juice. That’s why even though people may get that things are the way they are, they often go back to the "juice" of wanting things to be different. At least in desiring there’s drama, there’s intensity, passion, and life—even if it does result in suffering. But there is this other possibility: actually desiring what is wholeheartedly, really truly saying yes to this moment, to what is, exactly the way it is right now, bringing that kind of passion and aliveness to the way things are. This brings instant unlimited happiness because every desire is fulfilled!
The reason that people don’t make this simple but radical choice to want what is, is because it is so simple. You don’t even have to raise a finger. Nothing is needed. People shy away from this because in wanting what is the job description of the ego becomes "do nothing." There just really isn’t anything left to do for the ego, for who you thought you were. That’s the price to be paid: to truly want what is, you have to give up the idea of being someone who can change what is. There’s no longer a place for that. Changing anything would be working at cross-purposes to what you desire.
Then you come up against this inescapable paradox that even your desire for things to be different than they are is something that you need to desire as it is. You can’t leave that out. You can’t leave out these desires that rise up—for a relationship or for money or for spiritual awakening or for the Truth. You have to meet those with this same gratitude. To realize that your own suffering has to be met with gratitude totally breaks open your heart.
Often when people are on a spiritual path, seeking the Truth, it’s just another more subtle, sophisticated, dressed-up desire because the Truth is right here, right now. No seeking is required. The Truth has never been anywhere but right here, right now. People who are seeking the Truth are really seeking after a better truth than the one they’ve got. It’s another form of desire. The invitation is to meet even that desire with gratitude. You have to want to want the Truth if that is what is present, even though wanting it is an impossibility and based on a lie. You still just open your arms and say yes.
And you’re never done. You’re never done being grateful because what is, is always changing, always new. It is a completely new chance to be grateful. Whatever is happening has never happened before—whatever emotions, thoughts, sensations, and experiences are happening are completely fresh and new right now. The opportunity to meet them with gratitude and passionately desire what is, is always available. You never run out of things to be grateful for.
There is an interesting thing that happens when you desire what is: you start to desire what will be. In desiring what is, you step into where it is going; you step into the flow, into this mysteriously unfolding, ever-new moment. This powerful force called desire can either cause all the suffering in the world or—when turned to right here, right now—become this incredible power for flow, for beingness.
When that starts to happen, it is easy to get overly intrigued with that. It becomes this really fun thing—to apparently be manifesting something. It’s actually a complete mystery how those two things are connected: your wanting something to happen and it happening. It would be just as accurate to say that it is a form of premonition. So, when that flow is happening, the temptation can be to get so intrigued with that, that you start to play with that. The second you get intrigued with how things are getting easier, it’s like saying I’m grateful for the Truth as long as this flow-thing is happening. It’s easy to be grateful when you’re in the flow, and there’s nothing wrong with it, but if you get too interested in it and turn away from this mysterious meeting of the moment with gratitude, then your gratitude is no longer unconditional.
You have to be willing to throw your heart open with gratitude even before there’s any sense of the flow and even when flow is a distant memory. That’s where the life is, where the juice is coming from—even where this apparent flow is coming from. And the other thing about flow is that sometimes the shortest path between two points is through Hell, and that’s the way flow is going to go sometimes. So, if you have the idea that flow looks like a flat tire being fixed really fast, you might discover that flow has a very different idea about how long you will be on the side of the highway and how late you will be to your next appointment.
It’s not up to you how much suffering arises, which is devastating news to who you think you are if you are trying to get out of suffering. The good news is that it is up to something that is incredibly, profoundly wise, something that can see that the shortest path between two points goes through Hell sometimes. And sometimes it goes through heaven. It has no preference. It just sees where this unfoldment needs to go right now, and it doesn’t hold back. That’s what has been happening all along anyway. Has your life ever stopped unfolding in spite of how often it seems not to have gone where you wanted it to go? It still goes, right? Something is in there steering it, unfolding it.
It’s not some Truth "out there" that we need to be grateful for, some Truth that will show up some time in the future. It’s right here, right now—just exactly the way everything is right now. Nothing is left out. Recognizing that whatever is, is only here for this moment—it’s only available in this moment and will never be just this way again—gives us this juice, this passion to meet it with gratitude.
The reason we don’t dive in with gratitude in moments of suffering or pain is because there is a mistaken attitude that if we do that, things will stay the same. We think that by loving this moment the way it is and all of its pain (if that’s what is present), we will get stuck, when actually the opposite is true. When we resist what is, it sticks around. When we embrace the moment, it naturally unfolds into the next new experience.
For example, it can seem to make sense for us to want to go to battle with our conditioning, which is behind our suffering, because our conditioning is so obviously a lie and it doesn’t feel enlightened to have that conditioning, but when you fight it, it makes it seem really big. You’ve made it into something, as if it had anything to do with who you really are.
On the other hand, if you take the perspective of embracing your conditioning instead of fighting it, you can easily see how ridiculous it is and laugh at it, and then it loses its potency. It is no longer a problem. It no longer controls you. It’s just arising, and you’re saying, "Great, wonderful, what a gas!" Then, it never even has a chance to turn into something called suffering. The event appears and the conditioned reaction to it appears, and a complete enjoyment of both happens, so any possibility of suffering is immediately swallowed. We aren’t unfamiliar with this process; this happens whenever something goes right. Every moment can be like this, where everything shows up, but nothing is a problem. Then, nothing that happens controls you.
What cuts through any suffering is simply choosing what is in every moment. It’s not some complicated formula. It’s simply meeting what is with passion and gratitude. It really isn’t up to you how many times your conditioning keeps appearing. If it were up to you, it would have been done a long time ago, right?
So, the invitation is to find out for yourself what happens when you are willing to waste your desire on what is. Don’t take my word for it. For just this moment, you can meet whatever is present with a passionate embrace. And then see if you can truly find any suffering here in this moment.
